Archive | May, 2012

Patience

15 May

I always have to give in and somehow, I find it tiring. As the eldest of three girls, I’m under a lot of pressure. Being the oldest has its own pros and cons. There are a lot of expectations from me and I have to for myself, but thinking about it, I don’t know if I’m ready. I’m few months away from turning 18 and it’s hard that I have to ‘understanding’ at some situations when I can’t find it and the patience to do so.

My 14-year old sister always annoys me and today, my patience sort of ran out. I just began using the computer when she arrived home from dance training. After a short while, she wanted to use, but I said I just began, but she still got mad and wanted to use it. Having no choice, I stood up. I expected her that she’ll open a new window, but no. She just had to close all my tabs. I got mad and didn’t talk to her. Then my sister yelled at me for stepping on whatever she made. I got pissed and ignored both of them.

I’m annoyed by my sister and how she’s always out, comes home late (even if it’s just the afternoon when she’s supposed to be here by lunch), always brings home friends and doesn’t even participate in the house chores. To top it all up, she still has the nerve to get mad and boss me around when I do most of the chores.

Despite being known as the one who is always smiling and the loudest, I also have tough times. The pressure of being the eldest, especially that I’m a Canadian citizen, they expect me to be the key on my family to be able to go abroad. Even if my 14-year old sister doesn’t want, I don’t care. She’ll be the one to say that to my family not me.

I just have these negative feelings bottled up inside me. The only escape I have is Kpop, which my family should understand by now is my way to relieve all the stress I have.

I don’t know until when can I be this patient towards them. Sometimes I feel like giving up already.

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Unexplainable

10 May

내 마음이 아파

Nae maeumi apa

My heart hurts

I don’t know why does it suddenly hurt. Today, I was looking at the pictures at the fansigning of one of my favorite groups, Exo-M. One member suddenly caught my eye, their maknae(youngest), Tao. I have always thought that he remind of my ex, the Korean oppa who broke my heart. I have shook away those thoughts… Until I saw Tao wearing glasses and froze because the face of him flashed in my mind, bringing back memories that hurts.

I’ve read in twitter that it’s not the person you miss, but the feelings you had when you were together and the memories you had with that person. Maybe it’s true that probably, what I have always wanted and hoped for in a man and relationship, I found it in him.

I don’t know how many times I have told myself that I’m okay and that I can stand up again with my held up high, saying that I don’t care about him anymore. I don’t know how many times I have lied to myself that I’m fully okay. I’m okay, but I can never say I’ve 100% recovered from the all the pain my heart has to suffer.

One might think it’s laughable that I’m like this when we didn’t even lasted for a month. My feelings for him were strong and as my friends had said, they had never seen me that happy when I was telling them stories about him.

Yes, sparks fly at the first touch of your hands. You would forget everything and everyone else when you’re talking with each other. You would want to freeze time so that you could spend a lot more time with each other. Apparently, all those mushy and fluffy things that I have written in my fanfiction stories are true.

All I want is to move on and forget all the pain because it’s eating me. It’s still there and it’s not helping. I’m going to forget that bastard who dropped me like I’m some kind of ball.

I’m also ending this by putting one of my favorite songs. I love everything about it.

Jealous

4 May

College made me realize a lot more things. Back in high school, there was a time I felt out of place with my friends, but it was resolved soon enough. Now, as an incoming sophomore, I’ve never felt jealous of my friends. Not physically or materially, but socially. I have two groups of friends, both with different personalities but I love both of them in the same level. The first group, we’ve been friends since we were in elementary, year 2006. Hard to believe we’re still friends even in college. Meanwhile, the second groups is group in my senior year in high school.

Anyway, I never realized how I’m socially insecure compared to my friends. I’m someone with good PR skills, but that’s different since we all go to different colleges. I stand out where I study for the fact that I’m in an all-girls school again. Our high school was also a private all-girls Catholic school. College is the same as my high school, except our school’s administration and system and student body council is bad. Education is just the same. I tend to get higher grades now, but not because I study harder. It’s actually easier. Plus the schedule is loose.

Moving on to the main topic, the rest of my friends have groups of friends which composed of guys and girls. I have a group of friends that is still composed of girls. At first I didn’t mind it. I was also the type of friend who would joke to others about looking for a boyfriend or seeking for any boyfriend material from my friends.

It wasn’t until one day, I realized how almost all of my friends have love lives. I know it’s not something big, but somehow I can’t help but be jealous. When we’d gather, they have stories to share, while I got none. All I have are these Korean celebrities who I always follow on twitter and update myself with. In short, my life revolved on Kpop. When those times when my friends would tell me their heartbreaking stories, it’s those times when I was thankful I was single, but when they would constantly tell me about how they are, even the simplest things, I can’t help but wish that I, too, had someone special.

Then I had him. Mr. Perfect. Mr. Ideal guy. He was everything I could ask for and more. He had the physical attributes of a guy I would like. He’s Korean, taller, older, good body built, light skinned and cute eyes. Then when I got to know him, I fell even more for him. He was nice, sweet, gentle, cheesy and he would always make me feel that he likes me more than I thought. I was happy with him. But happiness, just like every other emotion, is only felt for a while.

When he left me, I had the toughest moments of my life. Not just because of him, but because I was dealing with one of the biggest family problems we’ve encountered. I guessed he had someone else or he doesn’t want to be with someone like me who has a big family problem. Until now, I still don’t know what is the real reason as to why he decided to end things with me.

I thought I was okay. Well, yes, I have moved on… 90% that is. Thought I can’t help but think, what if we were still together. Earlier, I watched a show entitled, “The Romantic” on tvn. It’s a show where they sent 10 people, 5 boys and 5 girls to Croatia in hopes of finding love. At the beginning of the show, the girls and boys choose what way do people is romantic. Those with the same answers are put in that situation. I’ll admit, yes, I’m jealous. I’ve always been the romantic type and I think I got it from too much reading and watching romantic things that I know won’t ever happen in real life.

I say to myself that I’ll be single for the rest of the time until I migrate to Canada, which is after graduation. Then I thought, what if someone comes along again? I remember that after my break up with my boyfriend of almost three years, it was 8 months before I was able to get myself a new crush. It didn’t even last long because a month later, I realized how big of a jerk he is. Then a year later, yes, I met the Korean guy who made me feel like I was in heaven then dropped me like I’m some kind of ball.

I just want to be in a good relationship with a good guy. It doesn’t have to last for a long time. Two years maximum if ever. That’s all I’m asking. Desperate, yes, but I don’t want to force things. Maybe what happened between me and and the Korean guy was a mixed of me forcing things to happen and fate. I don’t know. I try to ask our common contact that he goes to the gym at a certain time (because we met at the gym) and I would go there too. That was the day he first asked me out. Oh the memories.

I’ll just wait. If someone will come, I’ll see if my heart is ready and has moved on. My heart had been broken and fixed then dropped again. Healing takes a while, but if someone will put a bandage unto it and show me the love I deserve, then I’m willing to let him in.

Growing up is inevitable

3 May

Sometimes I wish I was a kid again, where my main problems are about what cartoon to watch or what game to play. Back then, sleep wasn’t a problem. As a kid, I have no problem with money because I don’t ask for a lot of toys and my parents would buy me the simple things I like then. Choosing clothes was easy because it was picked by my mother. Shows back then were also better than what television airs today. Learning was easy too…. Until I learned multiplication. Friends were easy to find because we were all true. The only love we seek back then was the love of family and friends.

But we have to grow…

Now, problems concern serious family matters that involve legal actions by the law. Money is hard because I don’t work and there are many things I want to buy. For clothes, there’s ‘fashion’. There’s also makeup, the beauty enhancer, depending on who’s using it. Friends are hard to find because there are fake people. Education is hard, especially in college. I can’t afford the time and money to fail a subject. Then there’s the ‘love’ that most are seeking for. I got hurt a lot and there’s no one to blame but myself.

We have to grow, but I hope we do for the better. Growing up is inevitable. We have to. Life may be long or short, depending on how you spend your life with. Make the most out of it. Kids, take your time to play. Teens, study hard, fall in love and learn from your mistakes. Adults, work hard and have fun.

Welcoming May

1 May

On the first day of May, the weather in my are, decided to give us rain. April had been like an oven for the Philippines.  Just yesterday, we reached 36.6 Degrees Celsius. Now, it’s raining like August. Well, we’re still a few months away from the rainy season here.

I hope May will be a good month. January made me list my expectations, February was really the month of hearts, March was my hell month, April was recovery month and I met Exo and now May. Maybe I’ll be stronger than before after all the pain I have gone through. Well, I’ll find out as I go through this month.