Archive | June, 2014

Moving On

16 Jun

When I was young, I thought moving on was simple. I thought that people in the movies that couldn’t move on from someone, seem to be like an exaggeration and that love easily falls out. But as I grew up, I realized that it was possible. I didn’t experience the hardships of moving on from an ex until my second boyfriend.


Breaking up with my first boyfriend was the signal of my freedom from such a caged relationship. It only took me a month for me to be okay. But for my second boyfriend, it was hard. When I thought I was okay after many weeks, I realized I wasn’t. When I thought I was okay after months, I wasn’t. When I thought I was okay after more than a year, I still wasn’t. It took us a second chance between us for me to realize that he was not worth all the pain I put through. After our sure break up, I had gotten over him faster than the first time. In 2 months, I was okay and happy. 


In a few weeks, I had experienced more happiness with someone who just seemed perfect and compatible to me. 


But the happiness didn’t last long.


I thought I wouldn’t experience it again after the last one, but here I am, wondering how I could fully move on from someone. My last post talked about how happy I was with him. We know what we were against with, long distance. 3 hours, at first, didn’t bother us. But I got busier with school. He got busier with work. We both saw how the 3 hours difference greatly affected us. From what seemed a perfect relationship despite the distance, it fell apart sooner than we both expected. Slowly, he didn’t reply to my messages and returned my calls until he just stopped. I had no choice but to leave. It was obvious to me that I had no place in his life anymore. I was the one who sent the “break up message”. If I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t. I would try to save the relationship as much as I could, because that was how I was. But we were at a point where it was impossible to be fixed because I was the only one trying. 


I thought to myself, I can handle this. I’ve been through a break up before. But I’m the worst part where I’m not able to listen to Jay Park songs because we both like Jay Park and he used to sing to me songs, particularly Girlfriend, one of my favorite of the songs from him. I can’t listen or watch Taeyang because he resembles him. His style is actually based/inspired by Taeyang. I couldn’t watch or think of Reply 1994 without remembering how we used to spend nights on skype while I watch that drama and I tell him what happened. I couldn’t open skype anymore knowing that we aren’t contacts anymore because we removed each other. I would walk the same path home and yet I would still remember that chilly night he confessed at the same road. 


I try to fight off these thoughts. Some days I’m successful, some moments I let them linger in my mind. When I remember our memories or how songs, particularly of Taylor Swift and of Taeyang’s newest album, would suddenly feel like they were singing from my heart. I wonder why I still haven’t completely moved on. I would always tell them that there’s that 5-10% that’s hoping he’ll come back. But I know it’s a slim chance. Wherever he is right now, I’m pretty sure he’s happy. If he’d be back here, I don’t think I’d want to see him. If ever he’d want his things that he left to me, I’d just give it to our common friends. I know that I don’t want to see him, yet there’s that small hope in me we’d still see each other again.


I don’t know why I’m making myself suffer. Moving on from this person seems harder. The only thing I’m certain as of the moment is that I need to keep away from relationships. I get hasty and enter one, only to be the only one hurting more.


Moving on is hard, especially when you have loved greatly. It is also a way to make yourself stronger. I could only think that this time of moving on from him is for me to be stronger and to think more about love and getting into relationships. I’m very cautious now and more afraid than ever.