Archive | July, 2014

I Will Not Wait For You

30 Jul

Thought Catalog

I will not wait for the text message to come. The one that will say that you miss me, that you want to see me. The one that says that you need me. Just precisely at the moment when I started to smile on my own.

I will not wait to see you. To spot that look in your eye when you remember. Your hand with the drink in it will dip, just enough for me to notice. You’ll spill a little on your expensive leather shoes, but it’ll be regret that drowns you.

I will not wait for you to show up at my door. Begging and pleading for a chance whose count I cannot remember. How many times did you not accept the same misbegotten plea when I was the one trying so hard to keep you?

I will not wait for you to let it sink in…

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Maybe

29 Jul

I wanted to think you find me pretty or physically attracting, but I’d be so vain to do so. I wanted to think you find me funny, but you could also just be laughing along. I wanted to think you like looking at me, but it’d just probably you listening to the things that I have to say. I wanted to think that us, spending hours at night chatting about random things mean anything, but you could just also be being friendly.

I wanted to spend more time with you. I wanted for you to hold the umbrella for us a little longer. I wanted you to walk me home once again. I wanted for us to talk about more personal things. I wanted to go deeper into your heart the way you do with mine. I wanted for you to see the deepest parts of my soul and I with yours.

I wanted to think that maybe, just maybe, you had feelings for me, even the slightest bit. But we both know we’ll never be. At the end of everything, we’re just friends… and even if I wanted to, I know you’ll never know what’s in my heart.

“Friends”

3 Jul

In college, I’ve always had problems with friends. When I was a college freshman, I started out with the “cool” ones. The ones who drink, smoke and do crazy things I expected college to be. Who doesn’t want to finally be a cool/popular kid? But I wasn’t really up to that. I was apparently seen as the poor one in the group from an outsider’s point-of-view, while I was seen as a bossy smartshitpants by some of those in the group. I couldn’t blame myself if I had demanded asked them when will we be able to do our project. I was left doing a supposed group project alone because I know they were pulling me down. I tried joining the two other cliques in our block back then, but I really didn’t fit in. Until I found where I belong.

Sadly, by our sophomore year, the blocks shuffled. I was still classmates with most of those from our previous year, but we were too scared to be friends with the others. It wasn’t only when we were in our junior year when the block became closer than ever. We had a 3 and a half hour break back then during Saturdays so we will eat outside school.

Fast forward to today, I know I do not belong in that clique. I never was in the first place. They all have a bond with each other that I could not have with the others. I thought, “Maybe, I belong.” But I know they’re not. Usually, there are four of us who all go to the same direction in going home. We’re the “Fairview girls” because our direction is going to Fairview area. But I don’t even reach fairview. The three girls are so close to each other they go to the house of one of them and they even go to school altogether.

Earlier today, my classmates and I were lining up at the exit. I had accidentally forgotten my ipad at our classroom and I had to run all the way back to the building’s 4th floor. One of my friends texted me, asking if she’d go first. I texted back, saying I was almost out. But when I got out, they were all gone.

The difference I have with them is that when one of the three is missing, they look for her. But when it’s me, I don’t actually make a difference. I had assumed they all went home riding the new car of one of them. I was okay going home. I had survived lots of time being alone.

I was chatting with my friend who texted me earlier, the one who asked if she’d go first, apologizing that she left me. I was okay with her. I had opened up how I felt out of place from the three and that I know my absence won’t make any difference to them. I had told her that when they say “the block” or mention “blockmates”, I know that they only meant their group. I’m not in it and I am okay with that fact. It is why despite my 4 and a half hour break every Tuesdays and Thursdays, I never texted them, asking where they are or if they’re going out and if I could join because I don’t want to look like I’m forcing myself unto them.

Maybe the hardest part is when the closest friend I have among the “fairview girls”, is getting close to others and I’m getting pushed to the side. I’m not complaining of her having other friends than me. But I guess I still haven’t fully accepted that maybe, just maybe, we aren’t that close as we used to be.

I am okay being alone. I am okay ignoring that pang in my heart when I am alone and I know they were having fun. I am okay eating lunch alone. I’ve watched movies alone. I’ve went t the mall and shop alone. I’ve also eaten at the mall alone. I’ve done a lot of things alone, which they cannot do because they’re “clingy” to each other. I have attached feelings to people, especially my friends. I just treasure them a lot and I get hurt when people begin to drift away from my life. I’ve lost like around 3 best friends in my whole life that I’m so afraid to even label anyone as my best friend for fear I might lose her too.

But I know I can survive. I’m on my final year in college. It won’t be long until I leave this chapter and enter a new one. I just have to be strong. Besides, I’ve survived days eating lunch alone on my first week of college. I think I am able to live on my self-date lunches and library dates with my ipad.