Archive | January, 2015

You and Me, Us

9 Jan

I could still remember how we met. I can still remember how I felt when I found out you had someone else. I respected that. We became friends. I was scared how we would spend late nights chatting with each other. Were you telling her? I helped you in preparing surprises for her. I helped you writing her letter. I helped you to make sure she would still love you despite being far away. But she gave you up. A part of me was happy, but I wasn’t. You were sad. You were hurt. I could only be a friend that would be there at your side when you need a shoulder to lean on.

Fast forward.

You left the country. We continued to chat with each other. We got to know each other better. We became crazy. We became funny. We became closer. You told me your dreams and I let you achieve them. I would tell you to always be careful, teasing me that I was worried about you. I lied. I wasn’t just worried. I was very scared to lose you. You would tell me your hardships, your annoyances, and your grievances. I held on. Slowly, we open up each other.

But I made a big mistake.

I chose someone over you for a while. You don’t know how much I regret, thinking someone else could be better than you. The person hurt me the way you couldn’t and wouldn’t dare to. If only I could cry my regret, I would. It was then that I realized and questioned myself why do I let the distance between us become a hinder? It was never an issue. Even when we had 15 or 16 hours of time difference, we managed to talk to each other and maintained what we had. But I hurt you. Maybe you won’t show it but I felt like I betrayed you. Yet you were never mine and I was never yours.

But you act so different.

Yet the way you talk to me seem like there’s more than what we see. Is there really something more common between us than the mutual likes and dislikes? You’re the guy that I took slowly. You’re the guy I casually talk the future with. You’re the guy who indirectly told me to wait. You tease me with jokes, confusing me. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I face palm, and sometimes, I am left speechless. I can’t read you clearly. I am too afraid. I don’t want to overthink and assume your words because I am scared. I like you so much. Then I question myself, am I good enough?

Because there are my insecurities.

Why am I narcissistic? Simply because I’m afraid no one else would find me beautiful. I have to remind myself that I am so that I won’t feel upset of my physical appearance I need to have my high self-esteem for fear that no one may not see the confidence in me. I have to be this and that because I don’t want them to see me weak and scared. I try to make people see that what I am because I don’t want them to see the fear that I have, the fear that there may come a time when no one else would appreciate me, not even myself. So I have to love myself. But is it enough?

When I think about you, I think about your ex. You recently told me that she messaged you. She was drunk and you had made her admit that she still loves you. Yes, I lied. I was jealous. I am scared that you may also still love her. I am scared that you may still want to be with her. I am in no competition. They say a woman’s greatest enemy, is another woman. Another woman brings insecurities to others and other problems. And yes, I have insecurities about her. I find her beautiful. She’s probably nice, that’s why you fell for her. Your mom must probably like her too. All the friends and mutual friends that you have probably like the two of you too. To say, you were probably that cute couple everyone liked. And then there’s me. I couldn’t be like her. I couldn’t be that pretty. I’m not the type to face in front of a camera to model with you in the photoshoots that you used to do with her. Despite loving to take selcas/selfies, I don’t really see myself as model-material, unlike her. She has great body proportions. She doesn’t have to work hard to achieve her body. She’s already blessed with it. I have to work hard to achieve how I am and I’m still working on it. I had to lose about 15 lbs in order to feel very good yet every time I see her, I know I’m still big. She probably is a nice and loving girl.

But I’m not her.

I don’t know what’s about me. I’m too scared to be with you because of my past. I have experienced a lot of them leaving me after a short while. They leave when I fall short on their expectations. I’m afraid you’d do that too. But you know me already. You deal with my corny jokes. You deal with my anxious thoughts. You deal with my narcissism. You deal with my craziness. You deal with my bullshit. I don’t think anyone has ever stayed with me long enough to slowly get into my dark and inner self.

Then I wonder about us.

It’s an unknown future for us. We’re making indirect promises of waiting for each other. I’m scared. I could lose you any moment, when it’s time for you enter the marines. I always tell you to take care because you know that someone is going to be waiting. There’s your mom and your friends. Then you know there’s me, who is silently waiting for you. I couldn’t tell you yet how I feel. It’s not yet right. But when the right time comes, I would want to tell you how I don’t want to lose you. I always tell you to come back alive.

I don’t know how to know.

I don’t know how to know if the wait is worth it. There are things in life I do not know. There are things I am scared to take risks. But I know that in love, there are things worth the risk. It’s why I have failed a lot. I rush into things, thinking they’re worth it. The people aren’t but the lessons I’ve learned are. Then there’s you. There’s you who came into the picture. I do not expect you. I do not expect this. I do not expect how you and I are. All I know is that I’m happy when I talk with you. I’m happy when I see you. And I guess this is enough.

I don’t know how we’ll end up but I just hope we don’t end.

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The Scary Future

9 Jan

I’ve already hit year 20. It’s scary. As your age goes higher, the expectations on you gets bigger, the goals in life become larger and yet the time you have to accomplish things become shorter. There are a lot of things my friend and I had talked about regarding our near future. It’s scary. How in about 10 years, we want to get married, be in a respectable position at work, and have traveled a lot. It all seems scary how time flies so fast. One day I’ll just probably wake up and wonder how did time fly so fast.

I don’t even have a job yet. My friend and I had talked about work and jobs. She’s working in a multinational company while I’m about to graduate and juggling options. I’m still choosing between going back to the country where I was born, knowing I shall start on my own, or take the impending job position waiting for me at my dream company, without knowing if I would get the job I wanted. The common thing between the two is the suffering that awaits. I could take risks. I could pack my belongings and go to the other side of the world, where life is better. It excites me. But there’s this opportunity. Well, it’s still unsure if I could get in the department I wanted. In order to be happy for the job I wanted, I have to sacrifice money and health. Being and working in the creative field is really a hard path. My future excites me and at the same time, scares me. Most of my high school friends have set their goals here in the country. Most of my friends in college have set their goals to go abroad. I’ve already even welcomed them in my future apartment that I plan to reach in 4-5 years. It’s a matter of being ready. I don’t think I have the time to be indecisive. I have to make clear decisions and think straight.

I’m not committed, which can either be a good or a bad thing. My friend and I had talked about our future families. Currently, she’s the only one among our high school circle of friends that has a beau, who is like her boyfriend, but just waiting for the right time to say yes to him. Then there’s me with a guy in a complicated are-we-friends-because-we-flirt-to-each-other-a-lot status. I read somewhere that it would take at least 3-4 years to fully know someone in order to find out if you really want to marry that someone. She said she read that it was 7 years. I joked then that I have to at least have someone now because time is ticking. She’s lucky to have her guy. I’ve been with several guys already to even be scared to enter a new relationship. How do you even know if that person’s the one? Because I don’t know. I don’t understand how people “feel” or “know” that that person was the one. Were they psychics? Nope. I really don’t know.

I’m 20. I just turned 20 last October. I can even still remember how things were on my 16th birthday. 4 years have passed and sometimes it doesn’t sink in to me that in a while, I shall be working my ass off for the rest of my life. I’m scared. How do you know what you’re doing is right? Maybe we won’t. Maybe all that we know is that we do what makes us happy.