Archive | June, 2015

Some good change

10 Jun

I love to eat. Who doesn’t love to eat or doesn’t love food? Growing up, eating was nice. I could eat everything I want but the consequence of not having such a fast metabolism resulted in my weight gain. I took too much on what my body could manage. I weighed 140 pounds since I was in elementary and had it ever since. Standing at 160 cm (5’2″) with that weight was overweight. I maybe big boned, but my face was round and my arms were all jiggly.

I had always been quite chubby and I would also eat a lot so it’s no surprise it can be reflected with in the weighing scale. during medical check-ups, I was always on the line of overweight and obese for the BMI. It may be just some bullshit chart but it did wake me up when I I was told I was borderline of obese. It was painful when you’d hear your classmates tell you how beautiful you are but you could be more beautiful if you lost weight. Slowly, I was starting to realize how I need to take care of my body then.

When I entered college, my fellow freshmen classmates thought I looked younger than my age. White skin and chubby cheeks made them think I was younger than everyone else. There were those who didn’t take me seriously at first. Before my freshmen year ended, I told my dad about my decision to hit the gym. It took me a while but I slowly lost 4 kg after a long time. At first I was contented with just seeing the 60 kg on the weighing scale. I thought that it was just enough. But it wasn’t really. My weight would bounce up to 2-3 kg when I’d stop going to the gym because of my schedule at school. It also doesn’t help that I only made small adjustments to my eating habits, which could have been one of the main factors why I was still big then.

Fast forward, after my summer internship of year 2014, I had gained weight. My internship had me stay at the office cubicle during 90% of it and we were surrounded by fast food, soft drinks and coffee. Needless to say, I gained 4 kilograms, or almost 9 lbs. I went back to how I was when I first started. I was a whopping 142 lbs, if I remember correctly. It made me realize how I needed to really step up and made big changes. I was a graduating senior already and yearbook photo shoot would happen in 3 months. I would want to look good then. I would also like to look good at my actual graduation. So I worked harder than I ever did.

The biggest factor was the change in my food diet. During that time, I could only buy or prepare my own lunch since my grandmother, who used to make my packed lunch, was out of the country. For breakfast, I would have rice then I would work out at the gym (since my classes are from afternoon to night), have small lunch and have fruits when I was hungry. For dinners, I don’t eat rice anymore, which I’ve been doing for 5 years now, so it’s either some light soup, few portions of viand and fruits. I had to sacrifice sweets, chicken skin, junk food and eating at restaurants for the time being. Also, I had starting eating more vegetables. I grew up eating meat most of the time and I now begin to slowly eat them more than I used to. I also didn’t want to do the diet trends that were surfacing. Doing them would cost me to sacrifice certain food groups. I love my cheese, okay. I thought of alternatives though. When I’m craving for something, instead of eating a whole chocolate bar, I would take a small bite and that’s it. I would think that when I’m craving, I just need one bite and I’m good. I just need a taste of it. It helps me mentally to focus back on my diet plan, rather than not having a taste of that good chocolate bar that’s in front of you. I think if you hold back, it will worsen your craving and make you eat a whole bar instead of just one bite.

After all the sacrifices and changes, they all paid off in the end. By the time I had my graduation photo, I already lost 6 kg. It didn’t stop me there. I wanted to see how far I can go, where my determination will get me. People began to notice how I continue to gradually lose weight. They were jealous and I was surprised. I wasn’t vocal on the weight I’ve lost. I just told them how I wanted to look good for graduation. It felt good that my efforts were being seen by others. It never occurred to me I would be able to achieve this.

Losing weight was a battle I’ve struggled with during my teen years, where physical appearances and self-esteem are important. I didn’t lose faith. I continued and every time I would feel tired, I would remember why I started in the first place.

Currently, I weight about 120 lbs now. My face isn’t that round anymore, my arms are toned, and my legs have also gotten smaller (either that or all my slacks got bigger). More importantly,I was able to eat healthier. I would prefer other food than oily and meaty ones. Also, recently, fast food makes me sick and I would prefer not to eat them anymore. I would also crave vegetables now, which still surprises some of my friends. My decision to lose weight and the achievement of doing so, was one of the best things that happened to me. Not only do I feel less insecure of my body, my eating habits have changed for the better.

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Gravity

4 Jun

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do

I’ll still fell you here ’til the moment I’m gone

I let you go because you left me. I did not chase you. I did not wait for you anymore. I lived my life how it was before I met you. I tried to move on. Life was peaceful for the next few months until that one day when our paths crossed again. I stopped for you and you tried to follow me. I ran away like you did to me. I pretended not to notice, but I know you would look at me. I try to ignore you when you’re near me. I try not to get affected when you try to get into my space. I try not to notice when your perfume is strong enough for me to smell. When  you try to joke with me when we’re in a group, I avoid it. When I bid my goodbyes, I left you out. When I tell my stories to others, I pretend you don’t listen when I know you do. When you look, I don’t look back. When I know you want to talk to me, I go away.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much

Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

I thought we were over. I guess we just don’t and can’t end things easily between us. I was told that you still have feelings for me. I didn’t want to believe you. I trust that the source was reliable. She would never lie to me or hurt me. She only want was good for us. I don’t want to be swayed. I learned how you wanted us to be friends, how you still wanted to keep me in your life. I learned how you still kept those feelings I thought that never existed. It was there all along when I know it shouldn’t be. I learned that you kept your secret because it was on the verge of being broken. You never knew that I knew the biggest reason why you left. You thought I just know that you just left me out of the blue without any reason. But I know. I know that there was someone else.

Set me free, Leave me be.

I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.

But you’re on to me and all over me.

Why do I want you around? Why do I seem to want you around yet hate you too for being there? Why do I think of those words? Why are you there? Why do you bother me even when you’re far away? Why do thoughts of wondering what would it be like if you never left came to mind? Why do you haunt me when I don’t need you?

And then you finally talked to me.

Oh, you loved me ’cause I’m fragile

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while

And all my fragile strength is gone.

We went from simple excuse me’s and light apologies to actual conversations again. You mostly initiated them because I don’t think I can just simply do it again, to talk to you first again. To my surprise, you were even my mystery caller. I wondered who would be sending me messages of “good night” and compliments of “you look great”. When you knew my name, I was scared that it was someone else but I also hunched it could be you. I wanted to confirm it and you told me it was you. I could only let out an “oh”. You kept my number all this time. You didn’t erase it, unlike what I did to yours. You didn’t erase my number, your feelings for me and perhaps our memories and our polaroid picture I told you to keep in your wallet. I was afraid that I would let you in my life again. I was afraid that this could be a way for you to get into my heart again, only to hurt me because you couldn’t be with me.

I live here on my knees

As I try to make you see

That you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you’re neither friend nor foe Though I can’t seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.

When everyone else told me to erase or block you, I couldn’t. Was it because I couldn’t make it obvious that I was still affected by you? Or was it because I didn’t want to? Did I resent those past few months that you were around you or did I just resent you because you hurt me and we could’ve been something? Each time I would see your name appear with a new message, I get nervous. I just don’t know what to say to you. You tell me you miss me and I try not to fall for it. I wondered if you really miss me or do you want to say it so I could just fall for you again?

You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

And I still think about you.

I wonder every moment why do you want to keep ties with me. I wonder why you would want to keep in contact with me. I wonder if you wait for me to message you. I wonder if you’re thinking about me or wondering about us. I want to yell at myself. I think of you when I don’t see you. It’s like that longing feeling again. I wait for your message because I don’t want to seem like I want to talk with you again, even when it doesn’t come. I hold my phone and look at your name. I type words and delete them again because I know I shouldn’t message you first, even when a part of me wants to. I wonder what would it be like if you left her.

I wonder what it would be like if she wasn’t there in your life. I wonder what it would be like if I met you first than she did. But at the end of everything, I wonder what am I to you. Am I that girl you reserve at the side when you’re not in good terms with her? Am I just that girl you talk to when I’m bored? Am I that girl you expect to catch you when you fall?

Why can’t it just be me? It’s because we can’t. It’s because you can’t. It’s because it shouldn’t be.

*Quoted from the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Adult life

4 Jun

It’s been about a month and a half since I graduated from college. Looking for a job may seem harder than it is. I initially applied to a big television network due to pressure by my relatives. I actually thought that I didn’t want to apply for it but I gave it a shot. It was hard when everyone else were resting or applying to different companies but I only had one application. Older peers and other relatives tell me to apply somewhere else. So I did. Luckily, I got a call from a big telecommunications company and was accepted. I thought I wouldn’t make it, but just like what my friends say, I nailed it.  But amidst my requirements, the relative of mine who wanted me to be in the television network kept bugging me and telling me to give that job opportunity a chance. I thought, if it was meant for me, they would’ve contact me. It had been several weeks then. When I got accepted at the telecommunications company, I was asked to take the exam for the tv network. I took the exam and said they would call me afterwards. I don’t get my hopes up. The position is too big for someone like me. I also didn’t want to apply there in the first place. I was just forced anyway.

My decision, I chose to be in the telecommunications company. I have older peers and acquaintances saying how it was nice working there, the environment, the people, and the benefits. Compared to the tv network that is notorious for the boastful and unhealthy environment, I did not hesitate to choose the former. It was a hard choice for me. When I was younger, I dreamt of working for the television production field but growing up, I saw the harsh and cruel reality of it. The working environment will kill you and I was also told that you can only go up if the people in position will leave. It’s also given that you can only get salaries when you have a show. I am not ready to be like that. I prefer to have a stable job, which I found my new-found job.

It was hard to think how I deal with the expenses and taxes. I have to save up for plane tickets in the future too, when I decide to leave to go to Canada. By the time I have adjusted, I will leave. It’s sad, but it’s the reality. The reality is that we have a 32% tax deducted from our salary that is just being corrupted. It’s painful as an employee. I know I’ll strive.

As I begin a new chapter as an adult, hello, challenges.