4 Jun

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do

I’ll still fell you here ’til the moment I’m gone

I let you go because you left me. I did not chase you. I did not wait for you anymore. I lived my life how it was before I met you. I tried to move on. Life was peaceful for the next few months until that one day when our paths crossed again. I stopped for you and you tried to follow me. I ran away like you did to me. I pretended not to notice, but I know you would look at me. I try to ignore you when you’re near me. I try not to get affected when you try to get into my space. I try not to notice when your perfume is strong enough for me to smell. When  you try to joke with me when we’re in a group, I avoid it. When I bid my goodbyes, I left you out. When I tell my stories to others, I pretend you don’t listen when I know you do. When you look, I don’t look back. When I know you want to talk to me, I go away.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much

Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

I thought we were over. I guess we just don’t and can’t end things easily between us. I was told that you still have feelings for me. I didn’t want to believe you. I trust that the source was reliable. She would never lie to me or hurt me. She only want was good for us. I don’t want to be swayed. I learned how you wanted us to be friends, how you still wanted to keep me in your life. I learned how you still kept those feelings I thought that never existed. It was there all along when I know it shouldn’t be. I learned that you kept your secret because it was on the verge of being broken. You never knew that I knew the biggest reason why you left. You thought I just know that you just left me out of the blue without any reason. But I know. I know that there was someone else.

Set me free, Leave me be.

I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.

But you’re on to me and all over me.

Why do I want you around? Why do I seem to want you around yet hate you too for being there? Why do I think of those words? Why are you there? Why do you bother me even when you’re far away? Why do thoughts of wondering what would it be like if you never left came to mind? Why do you haunt me when I don’t need you?

And then you finally talked to me.

Oh, you loved me ’cause I’m fragile

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while

And all my fragile strength is gone.

We went from simple excuse me’s and light apologies to actual conversations again. You mostly initiated them because I don’t think I can just simply do it again, to talk to you first again. To my surprise, you were even my mystery caller. I wondered who would be sending me messages of “good night” and compliments of “you look great”. When you knew my name, I was scared that it was someone else but I also hunched it could be you. I wanted to confirm it and you told me it was you. I could only let out an “oh”. You kept my number all this time. You didn’t erase it, unlike what I did to yours. You didn’t erase my number, your feelings for me and perhaps our memories and our polaroid picture I told you to keep in your wallet. I was afraid that I would let you in my life again. I was afraid that this could be a way for you to get into my heart again, only to hurt me because you couldn’t be with me.

I live here on my knees

As I try to make you see

That you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you’re neither friend nor foe Though I can’t seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.

When everyone else told me to erase or block you, I couldn’t. Was it because I couldn’t make it obvious that I was still affected by you? Or was it because I didn’t want to? Did I resent those past few months that you were around you or did I just resent you because you hurt me and we could’ve been something? Each time I would see your name appear with a new message, I get nervous. I just don’t know what to say to you. You tell me you miss me and I try not to fall for it. I wondered if you really miss me or do you want to say it so I could just fall for you again?

You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

And I still think about you.

I wonder every moment why do you want to keep ties with me. I wonder why you would want to keep in contact with me. I wonder if you wait for me to message you. I wonder if you’re thinking about me or wondering about us. I want to yell at myself. I think of you when I don’t see you. It’s like that longing feeling again. I wait for your message because I don’t want to seem like I want to talk with you again, even when it doesn’t come. I hold my phone and look at your name. I type words and delete them again because I know I shouldn’t message you first, even when a part of me wants to. I wonder what would it be like if you left her.

I wonder what it would be like if she wasn’t there in your life. I wonder what it would be like if I met you first than she did. But at the end of everything, I wonder what am I to you. Am I that girl you reserve at the side when you’re not in good terms with her? Am I just that girl you talk to when I’m bored? Am I that girl you expect to catch you when you fall?

Why can’t it just be me? It’s because we can’t. It’s because you can’t. It’s because it shouldn’t be.

*Quoted from the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles


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