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What I deserve

10 Aug

We didn’t begin with butterflies and captivating moments. We began with uncertainty, in plain and average greetings. There were no intense feelings in the beginning. In the first time of my life, I met someone who wanted to pursue me at the right time. I was neutral to him. I only saw him as an acquaintance at first. But sometimes, life gives us surprises. Life serves us desserts that we do not expect.

I remember when I first saw you, all I could think of was how cool your hair us. Rather than that, you stood out because you would have this loud trademark expression that everyone calls you now. I just ignore you and walk pass by you. I remember how a pair of girls were asking about you because they think you were cute. I looked at you and thought, “yeah. Maybe he does look cute. Too bad he’s a bit smaller than most guys.” I wasn’t curious like them. Then came that one Friday. I was debating whether to stay in the house or get out. The latter part won over me. That day, you were introduced to me. I was secretly teased that you had a crush on me. I didn’t mind it. I was the type not to think someone likes me until the person actually tells me. I was also told about your real age that you’ve kept hidden. I also didn’t believe it. I would believe things once the person actually tells me too. Then you asked me out to eat afterwards at a fast food joint. I didn’t think twice since I was quite hungry then and thought it was just a chance for us to be friends. Little did I know it was a beginning of something new.

We continued going out after we work out at the gym. I found myself always being with you, talking to you and looking for you. There was just that sense of comfort when I’m with you. You didn’t sweep me off my feet like the others did. You didn’t set me off like fireworks then leave as soon as if it died. You were a bit different. You slowly started from nowhere to become something in my life now. You make me feel special and a princess that I would often find myself thinking, “Wow. Is this how being treated nicely as a girl feels like?” I experienced a lot of being thrown at the side by my exes. But you don’t. You make me feel that I’m one, if not the most, important person in your life. You give me more than I could ask for. You give me more than I probably deserve. I often find myself wondering if the past broken relationships is just a way for me to learn before I’m able to find someone who makes me happy.

You became my pillar during the hardships I had endured when I first started working. You held me when I would cry about the lack of support from my family. You were there when I just want to be with you. I found myself just always wanting to be with you. I found myself always missing you. I found myself thinking of us in the future. We found ourselves being inseparable. We found ourselves being a package. We found ourselves planning our life together.

I met your family. You met my sisters and cousins. This is all new for me, to be part of my special someone’s family. Your mom kissed my cheek that caught me off guard. I don’t know to address your younger sister and her boyfriend that are older than me. Should I use honorifics that I don’t even use on you? I don’t want them to think negatively of us because of our age gap. It’s weird and awkward but I like it.

I can’t say it’s finally you because I don’t want to jinx it. All I know is that we’re both happy. We’re both stable and trying to make things work. There are many years ahead of us (especially me), but we know we’ll be able to accomplish the incoming years ahead of us together.

Growing Up

10 Aug

Beginning the second half of my year begins with my first job in life. In my previous post, I had been in a dilemma of choosing which path would I go. I chose the one that’s waiting for me, to go into big telecommunications company. So far, I have no regrets. It’s hard when we begin with the operations, the actual job, but with the good ambiance and nice co-workers, I feel at ease here. My schedule changes. I might go to work on weekends but I know for the standard 9 hours of work with the latest time out I have is at 10 pm. I still get my two days off, which becomes my weekend. Still better than working for no definite time of end and I have a sure pay.

Bills and supporting the house– I don’t have my own bills to pay but recently, my dad and I had the “what can you contribute to the house” talk. I have only been working for almost 2 months and my salary was delayed last cut-off plus my dad borrowed a big amount of money from me. I don’t really have much money yet. I do bring home food for my sisters now and treat them when they want (and if I can). Right now, the most I can give is to give money to buy food for the house. I can give so little though. I spend about 800-1300 pesos on myself (and food) in a week and other needs. I also told my sisters I’m going to give them money if they need but I haven’t given them anything yet since my money is small and haven’t been able to save a lot yet. I’m finally telling myself that I am growing up. I still don’t have my government ID’s too.

Then there’s this guy. Maybe I’ll just dedicate a separate post. A special guy has entered my life and so far I am happy with him. Being with him is just so overwhelming. There are things I just experienced with him and it’s nice. I could say he is part of this transition of my into the adult world.

At this point, I still don’t have a grasp of the world. I still feel small and lost at times. It makes me think, “Oh. adult life, wait. What.” It still confuses me. I still don’t know a lot of things. I wonder how the adults managed to pass this stage. I wonder what they did. I do need help though. A lot. I only have myself. When your father doesn’t support you in the things you do, you have no to turn to. Your mother is far and she isn’t there to tell you and remind you how amazing you are, it gets hard. No one believes in me more than her and it hurts when she’s far. But I guess this is part of it.

I need to stand up on my own starting now. I have to be stronger than before. I need to be braver than I was. I need to stop being a coward of things. I need to show the world that I can handle this and that I’ll get through this. Slowly, but surely.

Some good change

10 Jun

I love to eat. Who doesn’t love to eat or doesn’t love food? Growing up, eating was nice. I could eat everything I want but the consequence of not having such a fast metabolism resulted in my weight gain. I took too much on what my body could manage. I weighed 140 pounds since I was in elementary and had it ever since. Standing at 160 cm (5’2″) with that weight was overweight. I maybe big boned, but my face was round and my arms were all jiggly.

I had always been quite chubby and I would also eat a lot so it’s no surprise it can be reflected with in the weighing scale. during medical check-ups, I was always on the line of overweight and obese for the BMI. It may be just some bullshit chart but it did wake me up when I I was told I was borderline of obese. It was painful when you’d hear your classmates tell you how beautiful you are but you could be more beautiful if you lost weight. Slowly, I was starting to realize how I need to take care of my body then.

When I entered college, my fellow freshmen classmates thought I looked younger than my age. White skin and chubby cheeks made them think I was younger than everyone else. There were those who didn’t take me seriously at first. Before my freshmen year ended, I told my dad about my decision to hit the gym. It took me a while but I slowly lost 4 kg after a long time. At first I was contented with just seeing the 60 kg on the weighing scale. I thought that it was just enough. But it wasn’t really. My weight would bounce up to 2-3 kg when I’d stop going to the gym because of my schedule at school. It also doesn’t help that I only made small adjustments to my eating habits, which could have been one of the main factors why I was still big then.

Fast forward, after my summer internship of year 2014, I had gained weight. My internship had me stay at the office cubicle during 90% of it and we were surrounded by fast food, soft drinks and coffee. Needless to say, I gained 4 kilograms, or almost 9 lbs. I went back to how I was when I first started. I was a whopping 142 lbs, if I remember correctly. It made me realize how I needed to really step up and made big changes. I was a graduating senior already and yearbook photo shoot would happen in 3 months. I would want to look good then. I would also like to look good at my actual graduation. So I worked harder than I ever did.

The biggest factor was the change in my food diet. During that time, I could only buy or prepare my own lunch since my grandmother, who used to make my packed lunch, was out of the country. For breakfast, I would have rice then I would work out at the gym (since my classes are from afternoon to night), have small lunch and have fruits when I was hungry. For dinners, I don’t eat rice anymore, which I’ve been doing for 5 years now, so it’s either some light soup, few portions of viand and fruits. I had to sacrifice sweets, chicken skin, junk food and eating at restaurants for the time being. Also, I had starting eating more vegetables. I grew up eating meat most of the time and I now begin to slowly eat them more than I used to. I also didn’t want to do the diet trends that were surfacing. Doing them would cost me to sacrifice certain food groups. I love my cheese, okay. I thought of alternatives though. When I’m craving for something, instead of eating a whole chocolate bar, I would take a small bite and that’s it. I would think that when I’m craving, I just need one bite and I’m good. I just need a taste of it. It helps me mentally to focus back on my diet plan, rather than not having a taste of that good chocolate bar that’s in front of you. I think if you hold back, it will worsen your craving and make you eat a whole bar instead of just one bite.

After all the sacrifices and changes, they all paid off in the end. By the time I had my graduation photo, I already lost 6 kg. It didn’t stop me there. I wanted to see how far I can go, where my determination will get me. People began to notice how I continue to gradually lose weight. They were jealous and I was surprised. I wasn’t vocal on the weight I’ve lost. I just told them how I wanted to look good for graduation. It felt good that my efforts were being seen by others. It never occurred to me I would be able to achieve this.

Losing weight was a battle I’ve struggled with during my teen years, where physical appearances and self-esteem are important. I didn’t lose faith. I continued and every time I would feel tired, I would remember why I started in the first place.

Currently, I weight about 120 lbs now. My face isn’t that round anymore, my arms are toned, and my legs have also gotten smaller (either that or all my slacks got bigger). More importantly,I was able to eat healthier. I would prefer other food than oily and meaty ones. Also, recently, fast food makes me sick and I would prefer not to eat them anymore. I would also crave vegetables now, which still surprises some of my friends. My decision to lose weight and the achievement of doing so, was one of the best things that happened to me. Not only do I feel less insecure of my body, my eating habits have changed for the better.

Gravity

4 Jun

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do

I’ll still fell you here ’til the moment I’m gone

I let you go because you left me. I did not chase you. I did not wait for you anymore. I lived my life how it was before I met you. I tried to move on. Life was peaceful for the next few months until that one day when our paths crossed again. I stopped for you and you tried to follow me. I ran away like you did to me. I pretended not to notice, but I know you would look at me. I try to ignore you when you’re near me. I try not to get affected when you try to get into my space. I try not to notice when your perfume is strong enough for me to smell. When  you try to joke with me when we’re in a group, I avoid it. When I bid my goodbyes, I left you out. When I tell my stories to others, I pretend you don’t listen when I know you do. When you look, I don’t look back. When I know you want to talk to me, I go away.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much

Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

I thought we were over. I guess we just don’t and can’t end things easily between us. I was told that you still have feelings for me. I didn’t want to believe you. I trust that the source was reliable. She would never lie to me or hurt me. She only want was good for us. I don’t want to be swayed. I learned how you wanted us to be friends, how you still wanted to keep me in your life. I learned how you still kept those feelings I thought that never existed. It was there all along when I know it shouldn’t be. I learned that you kept your secret because it was on the verge of being broken. You never knew that I knew the biggest reason why you left. You thought I just know that you just left me out of the blue without any reason. But I know. I know that there was someone else.

Set me free, Leave me be.

I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.

But you’re on to me and all over me.

Why do I want you around? Why do I seem to want you around yet hate you too for being there? Why do I think of those words? Why are you there? Why do you bother me even when you’re far away? Why do thoughts of wondering what would it be like if you never left came to mind? Why do you haunt me when I don’t need you?

And then you finally talked to me.

Oh, you loved me ’cause I’m fragile

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while

And all my fragile strength is gone.

We went from simple excuse me’s and light apologies to actual conversations again. You mostly initiated them because I don’t think I can just simply do it again, to talk to you first again. To my surprise, you were even my mystery caller. I wondered who would be sending me messages of “good night” and compliments of “you look great”. When you knew my name, I was scared that it was someone else but I also hunched it could be you. I wanted to confirm it and you told me it was you. I could only let out an “oh”. You kept my number all this time. You didn’t erase it, unlike what I did to yours. You didn’t erase my number, your feelings for me and perhaps our memories and our polaroid picture I told you to keep in your wallet. I was afraid that I would let you in my life again. I was afraid that this could be a way for you to get into my heart again, only to hurt me because you couldn’t be with me.

I live here on my knees

As I try to make you see

That you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you’re neither friend nor foe Though I can’t seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.

When everyone else told me to erase or block you, I couldn’t. Was it because I couldn’t make it obvious that I was still affected by you? Or was it because I didn’t want to? Did I resent those past few months that you were around you or did I just resent you because you hurt me and we could’ve been something? Each time I would see your name appear with a new message, I get nervous. I just don’t know what to say to you. You tell me you miss me and I try not to fall for it. I wondered if you really miss me or do you want to say it so I could just fall for you again?

You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

And I still think about you.

I wonder every moment why do you want to keep ties with me. I wonder why you would want to keep in contact with me. I wonder if you wait for me to message you. I wonder if you’re thinking about me or wondering about us. I want to yell at myself. I think of you when I don’t see you. It’s like that longing feeling again. I wait for your message because I don’t want to seem like I want to talk with you again, even when it doesn’t come. I hold my phone and look at your name. I type words and delete them again because I know I shouldn’t message you first, even when a part of me wants to. I wonder what would it be like if you left her.

I wonder what it would be like if she wasn’t there in your life. I wonder what it would be like if I met you first than she did. But at the end of everything, I wonder what am I to you. Am I that girl you reserve at the side when you’re not in good terms with her? Am I just that girl you talk to when I’m bored? Am I that girl you expect to catch you when you fall?

Why can’t it just be me? It’s because we can’t. It’s because you can’t. It’s because it shouldn’t be.

*Quoted from the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Adult life

4 Jun

It’s been about a month and a half since I graduated from college. Looking for a job may seem harder than it is. I initially applied to a big television network due to pressure by my relatives. I actually thought that I didn’t want to apply for it but I gave it a shot. It was hard when everyone else were resting or applying to different companies but I only had one application. Older peers and other relatives tell me to apply somewhere else. So I did. Luckily, I got a call from a big telecommunications company and was accepted. I thought I wouldn’t make it, but just like what my friends say, I nailed it.  But amidst my requirements, the relative of mine who wanted me to be in the television network kept bugging me and telling me to give that job opportunity a chance. I thought, if it was meant for me, they would’ve contact me. It had been several weeks then. When I got accepted at the telecommunications company, I was asked to take the exam for the tv network. I took the exam and said they would call me afterwards. I don’t get my hopes up. The position is too big for someone like me. I also didn’t want to apply there in the first place. I was just forced anyway.

My decision, I chose to be in the telecommunications company. I have older peers and acquaintances saying how it was nice working there, the environment, the people, and the benefits. Compared to the tv network that is notorious for the boastful and unhealthy environment, I did not hesitate to choose the former. It was a hard choice for me. When I was younger, I dreamt of working for the television production field but growing up, I saw the harsh and cruel reality of it. The working environment will kill you and I was also told that you can only go up if the people in position will leave. It’s also given that you can only get salaries when you have a show. I am not ready to be like that. I prefer to have a stable job, which I found my new-found job.

It was hard to think how I deal with the expenses and taxes. I have to save up for plane tickets in the future too, when I decide to leave to go to Canada. By the time I have adjusted, I will leave. It’s sad, but it’s the reality. The reality is that we have a 32% tax deducted from our salary that is just being corrupted. It’s painful as an employee. I know I’ll strive.

As I begin a new chapter as an adult, hello, challenges.

You and Me, Us

9 Jan

I could still remember how we met. I can still remember how I felt when I found out you had someone else. I respected that. We became friends. I was scared how we would spend late nights chatting with each other. Were you telling her? I helped you in preparing surprises for her. I helped you writing her letter. I helped you to make sure she would still love you despite being far away. But she gave you up. A part of me was happy, but I wasn’t. You were sad. You were hurt. I could only be a friend that would be there at your side when you need a shoulder to lean on.

Fast forward.

You left the country. We continued to chat with each other. We got to know each other better. We became crazy. We became funny. We became closer. You told me your dreams and I let you achieve them. I would tell you to always be careful, teasing me that I was worried about you. I lied. I wasn’t just worried. I was very scared to lose you. You would tell me your hardships, your annoyances, and your grievances. I held on. Slowly, we open up each other.

But I made a big mistake.

I chose someone over you for a while. You don’t know how much I regret, thinking someone else could be better than you. The person hurt me the way you couldn’t and wouldn’t dare to. If only I could cry my regret, I would. It was then that I realized and questioned myself why do I let the distance between us become a hinder? It was never an issue. Even when we had 15 or 16 hours of time difference, we managed to talk to each other and maintained what we had. But I hurt you. Maybe you won’t show it but I felt like I betrayed you. Yet you were never mine and I was never yours.

But you act so different.

Yet the way you talk to me seem like there’s more than what we see. Is there really something more common between us than the mutual likes and dislikes? You’re the guy that I took slowly. You’re the guy I casually talk the future with. You’re the guy who indirectly told me to wait. You tease me with jokes, confusing me. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I face palm, and sometimes, I am left speechless. I can’t read you clearly. I am too afraid. I don’t want to overthink and assume your words because I am scared. I like you so much. Then I question myself, am I good enough?

Because there are my insecurities.

Why am I narcissistic? Simply because I’m afraid no one else would find me beautiful. I have to remind myself that I am so that I won’t feel upset of my physical appearance I need to have my high self-esteem for fear that no one may not see the confidence in me. I have to be this and that because I don’t want them to see me weak and scared. I try to make people see that what I am because I don’t want them to see the fear that I have, the fear that there may come a time when no one else would appreciate me, not even myself. So I have to love myself. But is it enough?

When I think about you, I think about your ex. You recently told me that she messaged you. She was drunk and you had made her admit that she still loves you. Yes, I lied. I was jealous. I am scared that you may also still love her. I am scared that you may still want to be with her. I am in no competition. They say a woman’s greatest enemy, is another woman. Another woman brings insecurities to others and other problems. And yes, I have insecurities about her. I find her beautiful. She’s probably nice, that’s why you fell for her. Your mom must probably like her too. All the friends and mutual friends that you have probably like the two of you too. To say, you were probably that cute couple everyone liked. And then there’s me. I couldn’t be like her. I couldn’t be that pretty. I’m not the type to face in front of a camera to model with you in the photoshoots that you used to do with her. Despite loving to take selcas/selfies, I don’t really see myself as model-material, unlike her. She has great body proportions. She doesn’t have to work hard to achieve her body. She’s already blessed with it. I have to work hard to achieve how I am and I’m still working on it. I had to lose about 15 lbs in order to feel very good yet every time I see her, I know I’m still big. She probably is a nice and loving girl.

But I’m not her.

I don’t know what’s about me. I’m too scared to be with you because of my past. I have experienced a lot of them leaving me after a short while. They leave when I fall short on their expectations. I’m afraid you’d do that too. But you know me already. You deal with my corny jokes. You deal with my anxious thoughts. You deal with my narcissism. You deal with my craziness. You deal with my bullshit. I don’t think anyone has ever stayed with me long enough to slowly get into my dark and inner self.

Then I wonder about us.

It’s an unknown future for us. We’re making indirect promises of waiting for each other. I’m scared. I could lose you any moment, when it’s time for you enter the marines. I always tell you to take care because you know that someone is going to be waiting. There’s your mom and your friends. Then you know there’s me, who is silently waiting for you. I couldn’t tell you yet how I feel. It’s not yet right. But when the right time comes, I would want to tell you how I don’t want to lose you. I always tell you to come back alive.

I don’t know how to know.

I don’t know how to know if the wait is worth it. There are things in life I do not know. There are things I am scared to take risks. But I know that in love, there are things worth the risk. It’s why I have failed a lot. I rush into things, thinking they’re worth it. The people aren’t but the lessons I’ve learned are. Then there’s you. There’s you who came into the picture. I do not expect you. I do not expect this. I do not expect how you and I are. All I know is that I’m happy when I talk with you. I’m happy when I see you. And I guess this is enough.

I don’t know how we’ll end up but I just hope we don’t end.

The Scary Future

9 Jan

I’ve already hit year 20. It’s scary. As your age goes higher, the expectations on you gets bigger, the goals in life become larger and yet the time you have to accomplish things become shorter. There are a lot of things my friend and I had talked about regarding our near future. It’s scary. How in about 10 years, we want to get married, be in a respectable position at work, and have traveled a lot. It all seems scary how time flies so fast. One day I’ll just probably wake up and wonder how did time fly so fast.

I don’t even have a job yet. My friend and I had talked about work and jobs. She’s working in a multinational company while I’m about to graduate and juggling options. I’m still choosing between going back to the country where I was born, knowing I shall start on my own, or take the impending job position waiting for me at my dream company, without knowing if I would get the job I wanted. The common thing between the two is the suffering that awaits. I could take risks. I could pack my belongings and go to the other side of the world, where life is better. It excites me. But there’s this opportunity. Well, it’s still unsure if I could get in the department I wanted. In order to be happy for the job I wanted, I have to sacrifice money and health. Being and working in the creative field is really a hard path. My future excites me and at the same time, scares me. Most of my high school friends have set their goals here in the country. Most of my friends in college have set their goals to go abroad. I’ve already even welcomed them in my future apartment that I plan to reach in 4-5 years. It’s a matter of being ready. I don’t think I have the time to be indecisive. I have to make clear decisions and think straight.

I’m not committed, which can either be a good or a bad thing. My friend and I had talked about our future families. Currently, she’s the only one among our high school circle of friends that has a beau, who is like her boyfriend, but just waiting for the right time to say yes to him. Then there’s me with a guy in a complicated are-we-friends-because-we-flirt-to-each-other-a-lot status. I read somewhere that it would take at least 3-4 years to fully know someone in order to find out if you really want to marry that someone. She said she read that it was 7 years. I joked then that I have to at least have someone now because time is ticking. She’s lucky to have her guy. I’ve been with several guys already to even be scared to enter a new relationship. How do you even know if that person’s the one? Because I don’t know. I don’t understand how people “feel” or “know” that that person was the one. Were they psychics? Nope. I really don’t know.

I’m 20. I just turned 20 last October. I can even still remember how things were on my 16th birthday. 4 years have passed and sometimes it doesn’t sink in to me that in a while, I shall be working my ass off for the rest of my life. I’m scared. How do you know what you’re doing is right? Maybe we won’t. Maybe all that we know is that we do what makes us happy.