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“Friends”

3 Jul

In college, I’ve always had problems with friends. When I was a college freshman, I started out with the “cool” ones. The ones who drink, smoke and do crazy things I expected college to be. Who doesn’t want to finally be a cool/popular kid? But I wasn’t really up to that. I was apparently seen as the poor one in the group from an outsider’s point-of-view, while I was seen as a bossy smartshitpants by some of those in the group. I couldn’t blame myself if I had demanded asked them when will we be able to do our project. I was left doing a supposed group project alone because I know they were pulling me down. I tried joining the two other cliques in our block back then, but I really didn’t fit in. Until I found where I belong.

Sadly, by our sophomore year, the blocks shuffled. I was still classmates with most of those from our previous year, but we were too scared to be friends with the others. It wasn’t only when we were in our junior year when the block became closer than ever. We had a 3 and a half hour break back then during Saturdays so we will eat outside school.

Fast forward to today, I know I do not belong in that clique. I never was in the first place. They all have a bond with each other that I could not have with the others. I thought, “Maybe, I belong.” But I know they’re not. Usually, there are four of us who all go to the same direction in going home. We’re the “Fairview girls” because our direction is going to Fairview area. But I don’t even reach fairview. The three girls are so close to each other they go to the house of one of them and they even go to school altogether.

Earlier today, my classmates and I were lining up at the exit. I had accidentally forgotten my ipad at our classroom and I had to run all the way back to the building’s 4th floor. One of my friends texted me, asking if she’d go first. I texted back, saying I was almost out. But when I got out, they were all gone.

The difference I have with them is that when one of the three is missing, they look for her. But when it’s me, I don’t actually make a difference. I had assumed they all went home riding the new car of one of them. I was okay going home. I had survived lots of time being alone.

I was chatting with my friend who texted me earlier, the one who asked if she’d go first, apologizing that she left me. I was okay with her. I had opened up how I felt out of place from the three and that I know my absence won’t make any difference to them. I had told her that when they say “the block” or mention “blockmates”, I know that they only meant their group. I’m not in it and I am okay with that fact. It is why despite my 4 and a half hour break every Tuesdays and Thursdays, I never texted them, asking where they are or if they’re going out and if I could join because I don’t want to look like I’m forcing myself unto them.

Maybe the hardest part is when the closest friend I have among the “fairview girls”, is getting close to others and I’m getting pushed to the side. I’m not complaining of her having other friends than me. But I guess I still haven’t fully accepted that maybe, just maybe, we aren’t that close as we used to be.

I am okay being alone. I am okay ignoring that pang in my heart when I am alone and I know they were having fun. I am okay eating lunch alone. I’ve watched movies alone. I’ve went t the mall and shop alone. I’ve also eaten at the mall alone. I’ve done a lot of things alone, which they cannot do because they’re “clingy” to each other. I have attached feelings to people, especially my friends. I just treasure them a lot and I get hurt when people begin to drift away from my life. I’ve lost like around 3 best friends in my whole life that I’m so afraid to even label anyone as my best friend for fear I might lose her too.

But I know I can survive. I’m on my final year in college. It won’t be long until I leave this chapter and enter a new one. I just have to be strong. Besides, I’ve survived days eating lunch alone on my first week of college. I think I am able to live on my self-date lunches and library dates with my ipad.

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If I have gone missing, will you look for me?

27 May

I always ask myself if you’ll look for me if I ever gone missing. I ask myself how much you love me. You tell me but those are just words. One can fake it but I don’t. I don’t lie when I tell someone I love them, whether as a friend or more than that. But maybe you can.

I’m just pissed. I feel like my intensity of love for you isn’t as much as you love me. The times I think of you isn’t probably as much as you do. It’s hard when I feel like I love you more than you love me. I don’t feel it.  I’m at a point where I’m questioning myself whether giving you another chance is something I’m happy or not.

When we talk about serious topics, instead of reassuring me your love or say that you won’t leave me, you answer me with an okay. I don’t know what to do anymore. Yes, you told me you’ll be serious, but I don’t see it. You told me you’d try to make things work between us but I guess just like other people, just promises that are meant to be broken. I shouldn’t dream with you. I should dream with just myself. I’m still young and although I can already talk my near future with someone, I don’t think it’s you. I don’t want to talk future plans with someone anymore as it leads to disappointment, especially if in the future, we learn that it’s better if we part ways. Maybe I do regret somehow believing you and thinking it’s possible that in the future, we’d still be together.

I know you’ll never read this. But if you do, I know what your reaction will be. Either you say okay or nothing at all. You’re not the type to say things because that’s me. I don’t even ask much from you or expect from you. All I ever wanted from you was to be with you and feel the love you have for me… if you do love me.

I’m glad I never moved on

24 Apr

I’ve never forgotten about him.

We see each other by chance and each time pained me back then. The previous posts of him are proofs that there has always been a part of me that never moved on from him. Maybe I never moved on because I shouldn’t.

When I saw him again after a few months at my favorite milk tea store. I came from school and decided to reward myself when I saw my grades. Before I could enter, I sensed that something will happen. When I entered, he was there with two girls. I kept having eye contact with him before I sat down with my sister and her friends who were there. When I was about to order, I saw him stood up and was about to leave. For the first time, I really wanted to call him and say his name. When he passed me by, it was the most painful encounter I had experienced. I looked at his retrieving back as he went away. I tried to look as if I was okay but deep inside, I felt my heart being torn apart. I know I shouldn’t be affected, but I was.

Days later, he messaged me. I saw his picture and it was him and one of the girls from when I saw him. We talked a little and asked for my number. I gave him my number even if I know I shouldn’t. At the end of his message, he told me that if we were meant to be, then we’d see each other by coincidence. I was troubled having him back in my life. I had allowed someone who had gravely hurt me to come back. When he would text me, I would reply once and try to immediately end the conversation. Days later, I accidentally saw him again at the same milk tea store. He was with his friends again while I was with my sister. He was surprised to see me. He was texted me and of course I was hurt because his girlfriend was there but he still wanted to see me from what he said in his text. When I saw them leaving, I told my sister we should leave too. We went to the salon where my grandmother was when I received a text from him asking if we could meet at the milk tea store. I told them I was going to the bathroom there when in fact, I will meet him. He began asking how each other was until he told me his side why he left me before and I wanted to cry at that time. I told how I felt, how I got mad and how everything was painful to me. He apologized but it just wasn’t enough. He asked me if we could go out and all I could say was I’ll see when I’m free. I don’t know if I really wanted to go out with him them or not.

When we had set a date, I asked him about his girlfriend. He had told me about wanting to break up with the girl but couldn’t, I don’t know what to feel. A part of me was quite happy. He asked me if I think of him as a playboy and I told him what I thought about him. He said he’ll do everything to prove to me that he isn’t. Inside, I was hoping he was saying the truth. I realized that there was always a part of me that still held unto him.

I’m glad I never moved on from him.

The night before our date, he made sure that things were over between him and the girl. It seems bad to others, but all I know is that I wanted to know if he was serious this time. He assured me about it. When the day of the date came, he asked me if he could bring two friends just to prove that he was serious with me and that things were over between him and the girl. I agreed and I met them. They were a couple, the guy was a friend of him that I’ve met from before and the girl was his ex’s sister. I talked with her and she told me that he and her sister were over. She told me that he was serious with me and that I shouldn’t let him slip away. She was a nice person and I would love to befriend her. After the lunch, he and I said goodbye to them and we hailed a cab to our next destination. During the ride, he asked me if I could give him a chance and having already made up my mind before the date, I told him yes. We ended up laughing and talking about many things. When I took out my earphones, we listened to a song from my ipod. I told him I have the song he recommended me the night from before. The title was Foreigner’s Confession by Akdong Musician from Kpop Star. When the song ended, I chose a next song, High by the Speaks ft. Barbie Almalbis. I kept singing the song and was surprised when in the midst of it, he suddenly held my hand. I took a side glance at our hands and I tightened the grip of his hand. At the end of  the song, he immediately pulled out my earphone and asked me if our anniversary would be the date of that day then. I just laughed and nodded.

Some things are worth to be given a second chance.

True enough, that’s how things have always been for me. I’m still testing and trying to hold myself from getting too attached at him. The pain from before is there. I’m still afraid that he might do the same thing again but I am slowly trusting him again. We’re better now. Who would’ve thought that I would still find my happiness in him again? Things are official now and clear between us. We’ve only been together for a short while, but even after we had separated the last time, you can say that both of us still longed for the other. Maybe we really are meant to be together. I don’t know until when but I am sure that it’s him that I want to be with right now.

 

I used to say that I want a guy who would make me love him more than I love Super Junior… and maybe, just maybe, I found the one.

I don’t know what to do

30 Dec

It’s not easy. It’s all complicated. It’s hard how you just wanted to be with one person who you think probably doesn’t feel the same way about you. I want to ask the Lord why is this happening to me. I asked for a simple thing. I only asked to be with one person, even if I’ll just be his friend. It may be too much, but I’ve waited for more than half a year just to be able to finally go on a date with him, which will be on the first week of January.

The problem lies when I met another guy, also Korean but older than the apple of my eye. At first, I met him as my ex’s friend. But it’s not a problem because I met the guy many many months after the break up. Apparently, the guy shows his interest in me. Being the friendly person I am, I gave my number and we exchanged messages. Unintentionally and subtly, I agreed on a date. When he asked me if I have a boyfriend, I told him that I don’t. He didn’t believe me (just like everyone when they meet me at the first time). I explained to him why I don’t have one yet and he said he could be that guy.

It just couldn’t be. My heart is towards someone that isn’t him. I feel sorry for him that he has to like someone like me, who is also just looking from afar at another guy who is of his same nationality and younger. I don’t know how to handle things where I make him feel that I just see him as a friend.

Growing up and still in an all girls school plus the fact that I have two sisters made me realize how I lack experiences in interacting with the opposite sex. Most of the guys I interact with are if not my relatives, guys who I’m interested in. This is the first time a guy is interested in me and I only see him as a friend. I don’t know how to handle situations like this.

My trainer even joked that that guy and his friends stalk me the way I stalk my star. It’s  a cycle. The stalker has stalkers.

All I know is that I miss the guy I like. I haven’t seen him for two weeks. Oh well. If I have survived not seeing him for three to four months, I could survive for a few weeks.

Oh, did I mention that the guy interested in me is the friend of my ex? Yeah. Just awkward to the highest level.

The last time I almost do

25 Nov

It feels like of a Korean drama once again.

I began only wanting to see him, my new crush, whose name we shall call James. James is also Korean and had been my on-and-off crush for the past few months. I see him often now and I don’t know if it’s to his own accord that he comes about 15-20 minutes after I come to the gym by himself. Maybe it’s just coincidence. I think it’s better to think that way to lessen expectations… lessen the pain and hurt that may possibly come.

Everything was going smoothly and fine for me. Even if he called me big the other day and laughed when the dumbbell accidentally fell to my right foot because his beautiful smile makes it up for it. Having small conversations was enough for me. I could live with my one-sided infatuation for him.

I was waiting for him to finish so I could walk home with him in case. But what happened was something I didn’t expect.

My ex, whom we shall call Kyle, was there. I felt so lost and my emotions were suddenly messed up. I don’t know what to feel seeing him after months… After the break up… After that incident. He still looks good, making me remember why I fell for him. But I also remember why we never lasted.

The feeling was awkward when Kyle and James talked. The past and the future should never meet at the present. We didn’t look at each other’s eyes. He probably doesn’t care about me anymore. I think it’s better if we forget everything and ignore each other’s existence.

That in my dreams you’re touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do

Sometimes, I feel that Taylor Swift’s the only person who could understand me. I hate myself for being torn of feeling of wanting to say something to him and forgetting him because of how and why he broke my heart. The latter part won.

In the end, I left James, who still wasn’t done, and passed by Kyle, not even sparing me a glance. It was then that I think that he’s probably moved on. I knew that I should do it too. His heart towards another girl while my heart is towards James.

I don’t know how the Christmas party will happen though. James is going. I’m going and I’ve been told Kyle’s coming too. My love life’s so messed up. I just wanted to make a small and simple conversation with James, but God gave me more. I know He has plans for me and things happen for a reason. But He probably also knows how slow I can be, therefore I can’t understand what he wants for things to happen in my life.

I don’t know how the next episode will be and how things will continue. All I know is, I just want to be with James.

It’s different this time

16 Nov

It’s different how I feel for this guy. Though it’s not new that he’s Korean, just like my ex, just like the guys I liked and dated, it’s how I feel when I see him is different. Unlike before that I want to be fast and immediate and lose that person fast, this time is different. I don’t want to lose him. I know we aren’t friends, just acquaintances. But I don’t want to part away from him.

When I see him, my heart doesn’t beat that fast like before. It makes me feel different, but not like before. It’s like, a calming way of beating my heart, but loud. I know it reacts when I see him, but it feels good. I think that I can wait for him to whatever we are destined to be. I’m just fine from watching from afar and the small movements. I still like how I would steal glances at him, but the difference from earlier is how I sometimes see him looks towards my way. Maybe he’s looking somewhere else, but I hope he’s looking at me, even just once, I was right. For the first time, I see someone who I would prefer to have a friend first before being more than friends. I can picture him with another having a girlfriend that isn’t me. It hurts, but for some reason, I’m ready for it. I am prepared at the painful truth. I just know he isn’t going to like me the way I want him to. He’s probably more focused in his studies and modeling.

It’s different this time. Rather than thinking of the good things and possibility of dating the guy, I think of the negative things. I think that he really has no interest in me. I think that he has a girlfriend. I think that we’ll never be more than friends and many more. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I like him. What do you call the line between like and love? I think that’s how I feel for him. I like him for a long time already, but not confident to be called love. I can accept whoever he is and I can wait for him.

It sucks that I’m like this over him, over a guy who I think will never see me as how I want him to see me as. It’s all different this time. This guy, made me feel different and made me think differently than before. I don’t know why.

I treasure every small moments, like how you finally greeted me with your cute ‘Hallo!’ or the way you count numbers in our own language instead of English or the way you laugh. I treasure all the small details, like I love your quite curly hair than your straight hair, the way you would help your friends and teach them what to do, the way you would look at my direction while I’m left wondering where you’re looking at and the way you would write your name after or before mine then I’d be staring at it for a few seconds, gazing at our names next to each other’s.

I don’t know what our future could be. In a few months, I could still like you and you’ll still be single or have someone already. I might be destined to like you, but that’s all it is. Maybe it’s better that way, but we never know unless we try… or at least until I try.

As Katy Perry’s song goes, “In another life, I would be your girl.”

At least in my dreams, you’re mine and I’m yours.

It’s a sad love story

7 Nov

a/n: Thinking of submitting it as an entry for our college’s newsletter.

We were born in different times and different places. It’s as if fate was meant for me to meet you. We grew up and I had learned to develop feelings. You have a heart of gold and a smile that can make me forget the rest of the world. I send you messages, have you seen? I’ve sent you food. I hope you can take of yourself when I’m not around. I wanted to hug you, but you’re always busy. You seem so close to me and yet, so far. I’ve told you a thousand times how much I love you, but all you’ve ever returned to me is a smile. A smile that means you accepted it, but you can’t return it.

Then I’ve been given to see you once again. I spent a great amount of cash so I could go to our meeting place.  When you stepped out, I called for your name a thousand times, even screaming for your name, telling you how much I love you. And it hurts, knowing that you’ll never reciprocate my love for you.

Under the strobe lights, along with the thousands of others screaming your name and proclaiming their love for you too, I cry on the inside. I’ve loved you for a long time, but you don’t know me. I call you by your name… and you call me… ‘your fan’.