2014

31 Dec

I began 2014, I remember, being in love. I was with a guy who left for Australia. We tried to make our relationship work. We really did. It lasted for several weeks, before he decided that I was probably too much from him and just stopped calling. I was filled with love then, if you think of it. But I’m ending my 2014 with a PANG. It’s not a typo. A pang in the heart. I had thought that I would probably ending my year and beginning my new year with this guy I was dating. But it turned out that it was impossible. All I have now are memories and a foolish broken heart right now.

My year was a whirlwind, to say. Met a few guys, only to realize why it was impossible to be with them. Failed almost relationships, as I call it. I did meet a lot of people. I made friends from my on-the-job training and few more people at the gym. I talk to people I didn’t use to talk to before. They were people I value this year. I treasure them of course. Some people became my pillar when I didn’t have anyone.

I’m looking forward for 2015. It will be a grand year for me, I expect. I’ll finally be graduating from college and I’ll probably be flying to Canada in a few months after it. I don’t plan on love on 2015 too. After this last chaos in my heart, I prefer to keep low on love for fear of it may happen again. If it comes, I’ll probably have to be more cautious. It’s something that I think just comes along when you’re ready. It’s either going to make or break you.

I always have a positive outlook in life. No matter what happens, I tend to look at the good things and hope for the good things. 2014 is a memorable year. So will 2015, as a new journey begins for the new year.

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The Other Woman

30 Dec

“Why do guys cheat?”

I would ask this question to myself. I’m not generalizing all men but I wonder why do some make the choice of cheating. Is it something that boosts their ego? Is it something risky and filled with thrill that they enjoy? I do not understand. I will never understand why guys cheat.

Not all woman want to be in the position to be “the other woman”. There are those who choose to be but there are those who don’t. I fall on the latter part. Growing up, I hated those mistresses and whatever term used to call “the other woman”. But when I had fallen into that position unknowingly, it hurts to know that that was all I was to the guy. It didn’t happen once. It happened to me, thrice. Twice on the same guy and once at another guy.

I don’t understand why do guys take women for granted. It’s not like I seduced them to be with me. I am a sweet, innocent and kind girl, as they would say, when they first met me. It was them who approached me. Maybe because I was naive and innocent that I trust easily. I believed they only liked me. I believed there was only me. I was overwhelmed of course. I grew up in an all girls environment, thus, when a guy shows his interested, especially when I also like him, things speed up between us.

But I guess this was also the reason I was fooled easily. I was stupid. The first time I became the other woman, it felt like a big boulder was thrown upon me. I was warned he was a player. I didn’t believe. But he was. He was already with another woman. I still got back with him because I was so immensely infatuated by him. He was with a girl during that time. He flirted with me while still being with that girl. He left her to be with me. Few months later, I found out he cheated behind my back with that girl. How stupid could I be, I thought. To be cheated on by the same guy. It looked like I was always the other woman with him. No wonder he doesn’t want others to know about us that time. He said it was because he doesn’t others to think he was a playboy for having a new girlfriend then. Well, it isn’t obvious you’re one. Since then, I bound that I will never become “the other woman”. There is just no justification for a woman to be one.

I remember a story of BEG’s Narsha, how she had ended up being “the other woman” of her ex. She didn’t even know until she went to his house. I would recall this and I hate how guys would put women in the position of being stupid… just like me.

I trusted him too easily. He’s a good mix of Filipino and Greek genes, paired with smooth talking words, award-winning body physique and a kind-hearted facade. It was all going so smooth. We were just dating but I was serious. I had open my heart to him and he slowly did too. I thought we were going well. We went out for small dates and even called each other nicknames. We talked about going on more dates and going trips together. I thought he was serious.

But one day he just didn’t message me. I thought he was just in a hangover because of a party he went to the previous night. But he didn’t text me the whole day. Until it was two days already. It would be fine if he didn’t contact me. But we had a scheduled date. We were bound to go somewhere with my cousins. He was going to meet some of my relatives already. But he doesn’t answer my calls or reply. In desperation, I wondered if he had twitter. I searched and found his name. I saw his facebook too, something he had mentioned he didn’t have before. He told me to call him by his second name. I was so stupid not to find him on Facebook with his first name. When I did, what I saw, shocked me. He had a girlfriend.

I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do. The guy who I thought was worth to introduce to my friends and family, turned out to be just another jerk. I cried while on the phone with one of my best friends. He loathed him. She knew how happy I was with him, only to find out I was just his fling thing, something he had deny.

I am so afraid now. I hated this feeling more than ever. I pity his girlfriend though. He lied to me but he probably lied to his girlfriend more. My friend said that I should feel good because he could never have me. I just smiled.

I deleted his messages and his number from my phone. I know we’ll still see each other. But I’ll pretend I don’t know anything. I am a strong woman and I shall prove to him. I’ll make him drool and see what he missed and played with.

This kind-hearted and loyal girl doesn’t deserve this kind of shit.

 

I Will Not Wait For You

30 Jul

Thought Catalog

I will not wait for the text message to come. The one that will say that you miss me, that you want to see me. The one that says that you need me. Just precisely at the moment when I started to smile on my own.

I will not wait to see you. To spot that look in your eye when you remember. Your hand with the drink in it will dip, just enough for me to notice. You’ll spill a little on your expensive leather shoes, but it’ll be regret that drowns you.

I will not wait for you to show up at my door. Begging and pleading for a chance whose count I cannot remember. How many times did you not accept the same misbegotten plea when I was the one trying so hard to keep you?

I will not wait for you to let it sink in…

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Maybe

29 Jul

I wanted to think you find me pretty or physically attracting, but I’d be so vain to do so. I wanted to think you find me funny, but you could also just be laughing along. I wanted to think you like looking at me, but it’d just probably you listening to the things that I have to say. I wanted to think that us, spending hours at night chatting about random things mean anything, but you could just also be being friendly.

I wanted to spend more time with you. I wanted for you to hold the umbrella for us a little longer. I wanted you to walk me home once again. I wanted for us to talk about more personal things. I wanted to go deeper into your heart the way you do with mine. I wanted for you to see the deepest parts of my soul and I with yours.

I wanted to think that maybe, just maybe, you had feelings for me, even the slightest bit. But we both know we’ll never be. At the end of everything, we’re just friends… and even if I wanted to, I know you’ll never know what’s in my heart.

“Friends”

3 Jul

In college, I’ve always had problems with friends. When I was a college freshman, I started out with the “cool” ones. The ones who drink, smoke and do crazy things I expected college to be. Who doesn’t want to finally be a cool/popular kid? But I wasn’t really up to that. I was apparently seen as the poor one in the group from an outsider’s point-of-view, while I was seen as a bossy smartshitpants by some of those in the group. I couldn’t blame myself if I had demanded asked them when will we be able to do our project. I was left doing a supposed group project alone because I know they were pulling me down. I tried joining the two other cliques in our block back then, but I really didn’t fit in. Until I found where I belong.

Sadly, by our sophomore year, the blocks shuffled. I was still classmates with most of those from our previous year, but we were too scared to be friends with the others. It wasn’t only when we were in our junior year when the block became closer than ever. We had a 3 and a half hour break back then during Saturdays so we will eat outside school.

Fast forward to today, I know I do not belong in that clique. I never was in the first place. They all have a bond with each other that I could not have with the others. I thought, “Maybe, I belong.” But I know they’re not. Usually, there are four of us who all go to the same direction in going home. We’re the “Fairview girls” because our direction is going to Fairview area. But I don’t even reach fairview. The three girls are so close to each other they go to the house of one of them and they even go to school altogether.

Earlier today, my classmates and I were lining up at the exit. I had accidentally forgotten my ipad at our classroom and I had to run all the way back to the building’s 4th floor. One of my friends texted me, asking if she’d go first. I texted back, saying I was almost out. But when I got out, they were all gone.

The difference I have with them is that when one of the three is missing, they look for her. But when it’s me, I don’t actually make a difference. I had assumed they all went home riding the new car of one of them. I was okay going home. I had survived lots of time being alone.

I was chatting with my friend who texted me earlier, the one who asked if she’d go first, apologizing that she left me. I was okay with her. I had opened up how I felt out of place from the three and that I know my absence won’t make any difference to them. I had told her that when they say “the block” or mention “blockmates”, I know that they only meant their group. I’m not in it and I am okay with that fact. It is why despite my 4 and a half hour break every Tuesdays and Thursdays, I never texted them, asking where they are or if they’re going out and if I could join because I don’t want to look like I’m forcing myself unto them.

Maybe the hardest part is when the closest friend I have among the “fairview girls”, is getting close to others and I’m getting pushed to the side. I’m not complaining of her having other friends than me. But I guess I still haven’t fully accepted that maybe, just maybe, we aren’t that close as we used to be.

I am okay being alone. I am okay ignoring that pang in my heart when I am alone and I know they were having fun. I am okay eating lunch alone. I’ve watched movies alone. I’ve went t the mall and shop alone. I’ve also eaten at the mall alone. I’ve done a lot of things alone, which they cannot do because they’re “clingy” to each other. I have attached feelings to people, especially my friends. I just treasure them a lot and I get hurt when people begin to drift away from my life. I’ve lost like around 3 best friends in my whole life that I’m so afraid to even label anyone as my best friend for fear I might lose her too.

But I know I can survive. I’m on my final year in college. It won’t be long until I leave this chapter and enter a new one. I just have to be strong. Besides, I’ve survived days eating lunch alone on my first week of college. I think I am able to live on my self-date lunches and library dates with my ipad.

Moving On

16 Jun

When I was young, I thought moving on was simple. I thought that people in the movies that couldn’t move on from someone, seem to be like an exaggeration and that love easily falls out. But as I grew up, I realized that it was possible. I didn’t experience the hardships of moving on from an ex until my second boyfriend.

 

Breaking up with my first boyfriend was the signal of my freedom from such a caged relationship. It only took me a month for me to be okay. But for my second boyfriend, it was hard. When I thought I was okay after many weeks, I realized I wasn’t. When I thought I was okay after months, I wasn’t. When I thought I was okay after more than a year, I still wasn’t. It took us a second chance between us for me to realize that he was not worth all the pain I put through. After our sure break up, I had gotten over him faster than the first time. In 2 months, I was okay and happy. 

 

In a few weeks, I had experienced more happiness with someone who just seemed perfect and compatible to me. 

 

But the happiness didn’t last long.

 

I thought I wouldn’t experience it again after the last one, but here I am, wondering how I could fully move on from someone. My last post talked about how happy I was with him. We know what we were against with, long distance. 3 hours, at first, didn’t bother us. But I got busier with school. He got busier with work. We both saw how the 3 hours difference greatly affected us. From what seemed a perfect relationship despite the distance, it fell apart sooner than we both expected. Slowly, he didn’t reply to my messages and returned my calls until he just stopped. I had no choice but to leave. It was obvious to me that I had no place in his life anymore. I was the one who sent the “break up message”. If I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t. I would try to save the relationship as much as I could, because that was how I was. But we were at a point where it was impossible to be fixed because I was the only one trying. 

 

I thought to myself, I can handle this. I’ve been through a break up before. But I’m the worst part where I’m not able to listen to Jay Park songs because we both like Jay Park and he used to sing to me songs, particularly Girlfriend, one of my favorite of the songs from him. I can’t listen or watch Taeyang because he resembles him. His style is actually based/inspired by Taeyang. I couldn’t watch or think of Reply 1994 without remembering how we used to spend nights on skype while I watch that drama and I tell him what happened. I couldn’t open skype anymore knowing that we aren’t contacts anymore because we removed each other. I would walk the same path home and yet I would still remember that chilly night he confessed at the same road. 

 

I try to fight off these thoughts. Some days I’m successful, some moments I let them linger in my mind. When I remember our memories or how songs, particularly of Taylor Swift and of Taeyang’s newest album, would suddenly feel like they were singing from my heart. I wonder why I still haven’t completely moved on. I would always tell them that there’s that 5-10% that’s hoping he’ll come back. But I know it’s a slim chance. Wherever he is right now, I’m pretty sure he’s happy. If he’d be back here, I don’t think I’d want to see him. If ever he’d want his things that he left to me, I’d just give it to our common friends. I know that I don’t want to see him, yet there’s that small hope in me we’d still see each other again.

 

I don’t know why I’m making myself suffer. Moving on from this person seems harder. The only thing I’m certain as of the moment is that I need to keep away from relationships. I get hasty and enter one, only to be the only one hurting more.

 

Moving on is hard, especially when you have loved greatly. It is also a way to make yourself stronger. I could only think that this time of moving on from him is for me to be stronger and to think more about love and getting into relationships. I’m very cautious now and more afraid than ever.

 

Opening the Heart to Someone New

27 Dec

How do you know you’re ready to fall in love again? 

There is this so-called “3-month” rule from the movie, “One More Chance”, wherein it takes you 3 months before one is able to find someone new. It now comes out as an unwritten rule in relationships. I think 3 months is just the ideal time for healing for both parties. It hasn’t been long since the break up happened. But I was able to move on. It was a painful process, forgetting someone who used to mean so much, someone who you always thought of and someone who made you happy. But I made it. I knew it was all over when we chatted and I felt nothing. I remember seeing him too and nothing. Despite the forgotten feelings, the effect of the break up and the bad experiences I had on the previous relationship greatly affected my outlook on potential relationships.

I had developed a fear that my next boyfriend would do the same to me, he would only be sweet in the beginning, he would put me at the side, he would not give me enough attention and most of all, he would also leave me for another girl. It was because of my fear that  when there was someone good, I had doubts. I had fears. I like him, no doubt and he had like me too. But I was afraid. He was bound to leave the country a few days after he just confessed to me. I had to make a choice, leave things because I was afraid he’d do the same things my ex did, or take trust him my heart and take things to the next level. 

I chose the latter one. 

I didn’t regret things. I was happy. For the first time, the people around us was also happy and supportive of us. I was used to be told that the guy I like wasn’t good. But here’s a guy who just seems everyone is in favor of for me. He was just so serious and I’m not used to it. I would often tell him I’m afraid he would leave me, but he’d tell me I shouldn’t worry about that because he won’t and can’t do it. I trusted him and so far, it’s been a wonderful decision. We’re now in different continents with a 3-hour difference and we’re trying to manage our time together. He had wished he could’ve stayed here in the country for me, but alas, he couldn’t.

Because I had gotten used to being treated badly and put to the side from the previous relationship, some things in the new relationship feels different. We had our first argument with me getting mad about him smoking a lot, that was to his defense wasn’t a lot. But he didn’t think I was mad at him that he smoked. He spent an hour trying to make me feel better but I just kept it in. As I had told my friend, I’m not used to having a guy be this persistent to know what’s wrong with me. In the end, he slept because it was 1 in the morning to where he was. After almost an hour of reflecting, I messaged him what was wrong, why I felt upset and that I was used to keep things to me. The following morning, we had a voice call and we both apologized. 

I’m getting used to everything again, the sweet feeling of being special, being called a lot of sweet nicknames and not just one, being told that he loves you and he misses you everyday and every time you talk, and making sure he does love you.

Trusting him my heart is the best decision I have made.